Fierce Compassionate Counseling

North Austin Psychotherapy

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Growth during change

About a month ago, I resigned to the fact that I’ll likely be doing online sessions for a while.  I had been going to my office periodically to water my plants.  I love my office and plants do too.  A large sliding glass door lets in a lot of natural light and all the plants that I’ve brought there have thrived. When I went to water I was surprised and excited to see the new growth and them all looking wild and happy.  My office is unlike my house, where I have two children, two dogs, and two cats.  There’s decent light, but nothing like my office.  Bringing plants into my home is like a death sentence – a random succulent or ivy will survive, but that is only because they’re the sturdiest of plants and they are put far from the reaches of children or critters who may hurt them.

Last month I decided to bring these plants home.  I felt like I was sentencing them to death.  So, I found the best places in the house and hoped for the best – but expected the worst.  Surprisingly within a week, two of my plants from my office had grown new leaves.  How could that be possible? How could growth still happen when they’re being chomped by our newest puppy, didn’t have the best light, and just experienced a change in environment?  It was exciting to see and the lesson wasn’t lost on me.

Frequently with clients they come to therapy struggling with something in their life – there can be a lot of pain and suffering. Something doesn’t feel right. Often someone may feel stuck and unable to make the changes they want in their life.  However, I’ve found that even under these circumstances people can move through these difficulties and still grow!! Positive change can still happen even when we have the proverbial puppy chomping on us.  It’s truly incredibly and helps remind me in my own life that when things feel difficult that growth is still possible and will happen – just be patient, be curious and compassionate.

Curated Spaces

As all sessions have moved online and will continue to be for the next few months, I’ve become more aware of the what it’s like to be in the actual therapy space. My office is a place where I have been intentional with design choices, layout, and furniture to provide a place of coziness and comfort. All the objects have been carefully curated to help my clients feel at ease and to serve as a preview of my style.  I’ve moved my tissue box no more than a dozen times to make sure my clients have easy access and they don’t have to go searching for it.  Oh, and the intentional placement of a trash can close by so a client does not have to keep holding on to their dirty tissues.

In a session many years ago, my therapist didn’t have a trash can that was easy to find and by the end of the session my purse was full of snotty and wet tissues – gross! However, it felt like too much for me to ask where to put them.  It was so similar to life where I was used to just trying to make everyone else happy.  I didn’t want to inconvenience my therapist by asking for a trash can.  And yes, I do realize how irrational that sounds, but in that moment, there seemed to be no other option.

As someone who also has been in therapy, I pull from my own experience where I feel the most comfortable and what my needs are. However, like everyone, I know I have blind spots, and what I need in therapy can be very different from what my client may need.  Throughout our sessions I frequently check in about how it feels for someone to sit in my therapy space.

But how does this look while meeting online? I try to make sure I’m providing services in the same location in my office – with the same art. I’ve tried many different ways to light the room to help clients be able to see my face clearly.  I have had clients do their sessions in their cars, in their bathrooms, in a closet, or even in a treehouse.  Dr. Seuss would love it – “I can do therapy anywhere.”

I always encourage my clients to find somewhere quiet, keep a drink nearby, and, of course, have some tissues ready for times when the tears come. My hope is to be able to continue to help clients feel held and safe, even while in our separate spaces, and enable them to work through significant circumstances and feelings.

Uncertainty

It’s been almost 4 weeks since the news of Covid-19 got very real for me –  SXSW had been cancelled, the NBA suspended the remainder of their season, and the Moontower Comedy festival was postponed.  Also, a couple of days later my kids school closed a day early for Spring Break.  We had planned to go to Mexico for Spring Break, but quickly realized that this shouldn’t happened and we rescheduled out trip for July, although we still feel like that may not happen.  Everything felt, and still feels incredibly uncertain.

As a social worker, I remember past work and life experiences where I’ve had to stay calm and been able to help others manage with personal disasters or natural disasters.  Covid-19 has felt and continues to feel different. I spend so much of my work with others talking about vulnerability and the importance of being genuine and honest with oneself.  However, how was I ever going to be able to support my clients if I felt so uncertain and was experiencing the full human experiences of feeling every single damn emotion – including sheer terror at 3p every day.

Fortunately, I had already planned to be out of the office the week of Spring Break so that gave me some time to sit with what I was feeling and to plan to move all my sessions remote.  As I emailed my clients about this change, I felt an incredible amount of anxiety and responsibility.  How was I supposed to encourage my clients to honor what they are feeling when this was something that was proving to be so difficult for me.

It’s been two weeks now since I began offering sessions via a variety of different platforms.  I’ve been searching to find the best one that offers the most privacy, provides the least number of glitches, and is easy to use.  I haven’t found it yet. I also have 4 different pairs of headphones next to my computer and keep cycling through them to try to figure out the best ones to use.  It’s been hard – but it’s been so good to be able to see my clients.  I’ve been more real with my own experiences through this and shared how vulnerable this situation is in session.

My pup, Randy, during one of my sessions last week

As a relational therapist, I am able to lean into the relationships that have been established meeting face-to-face.  It feels good and I’ve been able to connect with clients in a new way.  By helping others meet their own uncertainties with compassion, it reminds me to be brave and to do the same.  There is no right answer right now and everything is so completely uncertain.  We have no idea how far we have to go, how long we will be a part from one another, and how far our economy will fall as the employment rate plummets.  It reminds me of previous work that I did with disaster response.  Typically, our response was after the disaster subsided but Covid-19 feels like we are still in the middle of a hurricane. We haven’t even hit the eye of the storm for some respite.

Right now, we need to provide compassion to ourselves as everything keeps swirling dangerously around us.  This is terrifying.  This hurts.  This is almost too painful and feels unbearable at times, as we don’t know if we can continue to go on.  But imagine in the same way if you’re holding a small child with a broken arm – we cannot make that pain go away, but we can hold that child with compassion and love during the pain, we can comfort.  My hope is that we can all do that for ourselves in this moment and that soon we will be able to meet again.