Fierce Compassionate Counseling

North Austin Psychotherapy

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Growth during change

About a month ago, I resigned to the fact that I’ll likely be doing online sessions for a while.  I had been going to my office periodically to water my plants.  I love my office and plants do too.  A large sliding glass door lets in a lot of natural light and all the plants that I’ve brought there have thrived. When I went to water I was surprised and excited to see the new growth and them all looking wild and happy.  My office is unlike my house, where I have two children, two dogs, and two cats.  There’s decent light, but nothing like my office.  Bringing plants into my home is like a death sentence – a random succulent or ivy will survive, but that is only because they’re the sturdiest of plants and they are put far from the reaches of children or critters who may hurt them.

Last month I decided to bring these plants home.  I felt like I was sentencing them to death.  So, I found the best places in the house and hoped for the best – but expected the worst.  Surprisingly within a week, two of my plants from my office had grown new leaves.  How could that be possible? How could growth still happen when they’re being chomped by our newest puppy, didn’t have the best light, and just experienced a change in environment?  It was exciting to see and the lesson wasn’t lost on me.

Frequently with clients they come to therapy struggling with something in their life – there can be a lot of pain and suffering. Something doesn’t feel right. Often someone may feel stuck and unable to make the changes they want in their life.  However, I’ve found that even under these circumstances people can move through these difficulties and still grow!! Positive change can still happen even when we have the proverbial puppy chomping on us.  It’s truly incredibly and helps remind me in my own life that when things feel difficult that growth is still possible and will happen – just be patient, be curious and compassionate.

Safety

This is the 13th week that I’ve been providing sessions remotely.  Prior to that, I always provided it on an as needed basis.  For example, with clients with a sick kiddo at home, someone traveling for work, for a mom who could not get away completely from work and we had to do session during her lunch break, or for a client who felt so depressed that she could not leave the house.  This has been a completely new thing providing therapy services through a screen full time. In some ways, I feel fortunate that my clients adapted quickly, and that I was able to continue to provide support during such an uncertain time. But I miss the space that’s created when I’m sitting with my clients.  I miss my office, my plants, and being able to actually sit with someone. Doing these sessions from home, just feels different.  However, truly one of my favorite parts of doing remote work – meeting the fur family members of my clients.  I’ve loved seeing every cat, dog, even some baby raccoons that are being rehabilitated before going back into the wild.  These are animals that I hear so often about in session that I now get to meet.

As things open up more in Texas, clients ask when I plan to go back into the office.  I’ve always replied with I don’t know yet.  I’ve listened to other therapists argue that we must provide services and that we must do it in person.  Others strongly argue that it is incredibly risky for ourselves and for our clients to meet in person.  I thought that I could just look to someone else to help me to decide what would be best.  Tell me the right thing to do and I’ll do it. However it’s no that easy. It’s not straightforward. Like most things I found that I had to sit, and think, even feel some discomfort in order to decide what works best for me and my practice.

I began to realize that right now, today, if I sat in a room with someone, I would wonder if I was potentially getting  them sick or if I could get sick and pass it to someone else in my life.  My thought is, that this fear would be an undercurrent of our sessions and that potentially the safety that is so important in my therapeutic work would be challenged by this.  As a relational therapist, I try to root the foundation of my work in the relationship established between me and my client.  Along with my client, I strive to create a strong, collaborative and secure relationship. Unfortunately right now, with the risk of transmission of COVID-19, for me that very safety is compromised.  Yes, I could wear a mask and ask my clients to do the same, but I just don’t have eyes that can communicate emotions well, and I wonder what that would be like if my clients couldn’t see what I was feeling.

However, by continuing to do sessions by video I sit closer to my clients than I ever have in the office where we can both share an emotional experience. I can see them and they can see me.  We’re able to rely on the already established relationship from previously meeting face to face, and I hope that sometime soon we can meet again in my office.  For now, I’m here and look forward to seeing you, even remotely.

 

Do you believe people are doing the best they can?

Recently on a podcast, I was listening to Russell Brand interviewing Brené Brown. She brought up the question, “Do you believe people are doing the best they can?” I began to think about that question. I realized emphatically that I believe there was no way in hell people were doing the best they could. Although, I had seen a lot of good in the past 2 months – people checking in on each other, communities coming together to make sure there is enough food, teachers going above and beyond for their students…I have also seen a lot of “bad” – such as too many people fighting and people pulling each other down. However, I realize how this thought brings negativity and judgement. I didn’t feel more connected to other people. I found myself angry and isolated. It felt terrible. What would happen if I truly was able to hold the idea that people are doing the best they can with what they have. Brené Brown shared the statement, “All I know is that my life is better when I assume that people are doing their best. It keeps me out of judgment and lets me focus on what is, and not what should or could be.”

I thought I would try this. Throughout the shelter in place, I have found myself irritable with my kids and with my husband. Whatever they were doing was not enough and I was constantly feeling disappointed. So, I began to remind myself everyone is doing the best they can. I found that it became easier for me to meet the day and my family with kindness and compassion. Granted, I was repeating this many, many times throughout the day. I noticed a softening within myself. If I was able to hold this belief I noticed that I felt better. That I was not feeling as disappointed or as hurt. That not only was I more accepting of others but I was also of myself. It’s such an important reminder for me to hold for myself and also in my work to help remind the people that I work with that they too are doing the best they can with what they have.

She believed she could but she was tired…

We live in a world where we are told that we can have it all – we can be a great mom, the perfect wife, and have a growing career…we just have to work hard enough. Success is defined by how busy we are, how much we accomplish, and how high we have climbed the ladder or how big we’ve built our business.

Somehow being able to survive on only a few hours of sleep becomes a bragging right and how much stress we have in our life is a badge of honor. As women, we’re told we just need to “lean in” – that we’ve been doing it wrong and need to use the resources around us so that we can have it all. This myth of having it all sets us up to fail and then we never feel like we’re good enough. It can leave us feeling burned out and, frankly, bone tired.

In my 20s I found myself working until 2am or willing to do overnight shifts. I was able to climb the proverbial career ladder, found myself making more money, and had a job with more responsibilities. My hard work was paying off! Yes, I was only sleeping 5 hours a night and every day drank a “red eye,” which was a drip coffee with 4 shots of espresso…eek! (It makes my stomach ache just thinking about it now). Although I took so much pride in what I did and it brought about meaning in my life, I was burning myself out. I found myself absolutely exhausted, but I ignored the exhaustion and kept pushing myself.

Around my 30th birthday I had a breaking point. I had to do something different – I crashed and burned. I couldn’t keep up with this same pace of life and I was in desperate need of something changing in my life. Through a lot of therapy and discussion with my support network I was able to quit my high stress job, and instead pursue a career that was just as meaningful but with a better balance. I was terrified of this change, but I knew I needed to honor my own needs, what felt right, and try not to compare myself to others. I had to determine what was needed for my own self-care.

Right now, self-care is having a moment, which is good, but unfortunately it seems that it’s often used as a marketing tool to get us to spend more money. However, in my opinion one of the best and most useful types of self-care is rest. My favorite is burrowing under a blanket like a squirrel and hiding for some of the morning or late afternoon, likely curled up with my cat.

Just being is enough. Through my own practice of meditation, therapy, and self-exploration I’ve learned how crucial rest is. That maybe our worth is not defined by busyness, that maybe we need to listen to our body and minds and rest. That, really, it’s ok to just be for a moment, or maybe even longer than that.